miPhone

I finally jumped on the Smartphone bandwagon. The phone is smart; the jury is out on its owner. I am no technology Luddite. In fact, I am attracted to most electronic gadgets and am drawn to shiny objects and…excuse me…a text message is vibrating in my pocket. Nope, leg fell asleep.

The reason I had not plunged headlong into the Smartphone world is that I was afraid I might like the gadget too much. I would look up one day and find that my family had left me. There I would sit in abject squalor, focused on downloading or updating one more “app” (for the uninitiated, that’s free application software).

Many years ago I purchased my first PDA, or personal digital assistant, to access clinical reference software while working as a nurse practitioner. Now my children tell me that PDA means “public displays of affection.” This would explain the odd looks they gave me when I told them I was going to work on my PDA. “Are you going to bring mom?”

A couple years later, I purchased a PDA-phone combo the size of a James Michener novel. This was great for looking up medications and clinical information. But using this jumbo device as a phone looked odd. There I was, holding a humongous metal box up to my ear and loudly blurting out “can you hear me?” while looking as if I had skipped some medications.

Then 2 years ago, I acquired a stylish newer version of the PDA phone. The clinical reference software functioned better, and I felt I was up to date. But—hello—the darn thing barely worked as a phone! This gizmo would drop calls, would send other calls straight to voicemail, and had worse reception than a Crystal Radio kit. And if you know what a Crystal Radio kit is, you understand bad reception…and you are very, very old.

Since the phone performed abysmally as a phone, I missed many calls. It got to the point that I was used to being left alone. If you want to remove yourself from family and friends, let me know, and I will tell you where you can get your own piece of tele-junk.

After I missed numerous calls instructing me to pick up milk and eggs or our pet from the doggy-groom salon, my family staged an intervention to send me cellphone shopping.

My cellphone carrier had a limited time offer for a free Smartphone. Well, free with a 2-year contract renewal, a $25 upgrade fee, tax, shipping, handling, handling the shipping, and rust-proofing. But it was still cheaper than the iPhone, and it was miPhone.

I am now 2 weeks into the world of Smartphone ownership and am still trying to figure out this powerful telecommunicating and computing contraption. I am told that the computing power in my pocket exceeds that used for the first Apollo space mission. Maybe this is why my wife has called me a space-case since I bought the phone.

I try to avoid whipping out my phone in a look-at-my-cool-phone pretentious manner. So I am using it mostly while in the bathroom…which is weird. Thenmy neighbor saw me nearly walk into a tree in my yard while trying to multitask. That is, trying to walk and look up a Google map at the same time. Why was I looking up a map while walking in my own yard? Don’t know.

I can now pull up web pages on my phone. Incredible, right? Well, I challenge you to read letters as small as a gnat’s nose hair. Then, with a flick of your fingers, you can enlarge the screen, making reading more like looking through a magnified straw displaying three words at a time. This is less incredible than I expected.

The availability of apps for the phone is vast. However, 99% of these apps are a waste of time. Except for the prescription medication reference…and the Text Twist game… and the Minnesota Twin’s baseball updates. That’s it. Oh, and the electronic bubble level tool. And the Star Wars light saber simulator…and Sudoku…

One cool feature of my new handheld device, other than the fact that it was “free,” is that it actually works as a phone! However, since my circle of friends and family had given up on being able to contact me, I am now trying to get them to trust in miPhone.

It’s OK to call me now that I have a serviceable phone. But I may be busy downloading a new Sudoku app. Just leave me a message.