Too Old?

They say that you are only as old as you feel. My age recently made me feel over-the-hill. I discovered I was not eligible for the H1N1 vaccine in the nasal spray form because of the number of birthdays I have celebrated. I fit the eligibility requirements as a health care worker, but having arrived at the semicentennial of my birth, this old guy had to get out of line.

OK, I understand that there has to be an age cut-off for the live vaccine because of potential health risks. But hasn’t the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention received the memo that 50 is the new 40? Do you really need to lump me in with the old people? Can’t I still sit at the kids table?

At age 49, I began receiving weekly letters from AARP. It had not occurred to me that one day I would be eligible for this fogies’ group. I am still holding out on joining. But I do sneak my wife’s copy of AARP The Magazine so I can read what those other old people are talking about.

For some reason, I have never liked the sound of “AARP.” It reminds me of the noise that Scooby-Doo makes. Or maybe it is the sound you make when you retire. But I digress.

One of the supposed perks of belonging to AARP is that you receive a membership card that proves to the world that you are a bona fide old fart. This precious little card also qualifies you for discounts on things ranging from pancakes to movies to sky-diving lessons. I am not sure I quite get the concept of paying less just because you are sprouting grey hairs and can remember seeing the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show. 

At the coffee shop: “Sir, you get a 25-cent discount to reward you for not being dead yet.”

Several well-known nicknamed and one-name celebrities recently hit the age-50 mark, including Magic Johnson, Weird Al Yankovic, Ellen, Fabio, Prince, and Madonna. Do you suppose they are going to ask for a senior discount? If it were up to me, I would charge double for anyone with only one name, triple for made-up names.

I understand that many “old” old folks are on fixed income and deserve a break when ordering the Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s. But the baby-boomer population is about to take over the world, making senior discounts the norm. 

According to the Baby Boomer Headquarters (yes, the BBHQ actually exists) more than 4,000,000 people turned 50 in 2009. This breaks down to 10,958 people turning 50 per day, 456 per hour, and 7.6 per minute. The next time you are in a large crowd, listen very closely, and you will hear knees and hip joints creaking. That is the sound of people turning 50 at the rate of 7.6 per minute.

AARP is going to have to laminate thousands of membership cards a day. The workforce required may be enough to turn around the jobless rate.

I might be able to find a way to become eligible for receiving the nose-squirt H1N1 flu vaccine. College-aged students have figured out how to make fake ID cards so they can pass for being older, usually to get into bars. Why not create fake IDs so you can pass for being younger?

Granted, using a fake ID in an effort to scam the system to get a flu vaccine up your nose sounds pretty lame...and no more legal than underage kids crashing the bars. The major difference is that the coeds with fake IDs are out to have fun. I doubt they would be talking about flu vaccine, 401Ks, or colonoscopies.

Perhaps it is time for me to fill out that AARP application. I wonder where I put it. Maybe next to my vinyl George Carlin record album, my Slinky, and my tie-dyed shirt.

Once I have that AARP card, maybe I can get the injectable H1N1 vaccine and the senior discount breakfast special at the same time. I really hope they check my ID.